The power of connecting with our emotions
Yesterday, we had to take our beloved cat Patsy (pictured above at 10 weeks old) to the vet for the last time. She was 16 with stage four kidney failure and although I know in my heart of hearts it was the kindest thing to do, I feel the guilt to the pit of my stomach. I didn’t expect to feel this sort of grief for a cat; I lost pets as a child and it didn’t bother me too much but this time it’s different. Maybe it’s because we’d her since she was eight weeks’ old, maybe because she was my first pet as an adult, or maybe because she was the first joint project my partner and I shared together (before property, marriage, and the like). Whatever it is, the emotions are raw, real, and unexpected.
Processing these feelings of grief and guilt made me think more broadly about how we respond to our emotions at work and beyond. I regularly discuss emotions with my coaching clients, particularly the uncomfortable ones! Often, we struggle to connect with emotions as our brains are hardwired to avoid discomfort and are prone to becoming wound up in thinking about how to move past the difficult feelings and back to a more comfortable state. This can drive our ‘fight’, ‘flight’, or ‘freeze’ reactions that can be unhelpful and actually increase our stress and anxiety.
There is real value in connecting with our emotions, labelling them, and leaning into them rather than pushing them away. In Brene Brown’s ‘Atlas of the Heart’, she details 87 emotions that we human beings feel in response to events and other triggers. I have to say, I find it hard just labelling 10 of the emotions I feel – it’s not an easy thing to do.
The power of reflection and the dangers of rumination
We’re conditioned to believe that it’s time that heals us from stressful events, but I’m not so sure. More I think it’s reflection and processing of emotions that supports us, balancing feelings and thoughts to come back to a more comfortable state more quickly and wholly. And we shouldn’t confuse reflection with rumination, which can be equally as unhelpful as pushing emotions away. We can fall into rumination in several ways:
Remaining fixated on something, like how a project or conversation went wrong
Refusing to let go of a betrayal by holding a grudge
Denial that something has happened
Not forgiving yourself or someone else
Not having a solid support system or emotional outlet to express your emotions
Resorting to unhealthy coping and/or distraction mechanisms
Relying on drinking or taking drugs to numb pain associated with the event
If I go through a difficult event, like I am now losing Patsy, I try to take the following steps, always remembering that I am a flawed human being who deserves time and self-compassion:
Feel the emotion and label it
I scan my body and locate the physical area that I can feel the emotion in. Often for me, this is the pit of my stomach (like now with grief), or my chest (often with emotions that feel more anxious). I reflect on what the emotion is so that I can label it – referring to ‘Atlas of the Heart’ sometimes helps if I’m struggling. For me, labelling it takes the intensity away and helps me to put it into perspective.
Lean into it
Instead of moving away from the emotion, I lean into it. I get curious about what it feels like physically, and balance this with what’s going on in my head. The more I move into my body, the easier it is to make sense of what my brain is doing.
Watch your thoughts going by
Moving into my body helps me see my thoughts as things that are happening to me rather than things that are part of me. I can watch them from afar, instead of getting caught up in them. I can see which ones are helpful, and which are not. I don’t need to take any action, just sit with the emotions and thoughts, release myself from judgement, and get comfortable with discomfort.
Take action
When I’m ready, I take action. I don’t rush this step, I do it in my own time. Actions can be taken in a measured and considered way, with reference to others if helpful.
Good habits
More generally, there are things you can do to support better management of your emotions proactively:
Regularly connect with loved ones and others
Journal, meditate, exercise – all the things we know are good for us
Take a learning mindset
Practise self-compassion and self-forgiveness
Practise regular self-reflection
Speak with a therapist or coach
Right now, in the depths of my grief, it feels almost overwhelming. But experience has taught me that it will get better. I’ll process the emotions and thoughts, start to put things into perspective, and the memories of watching Patsy rapidly decline and making the difficult decision to release her from her discomfort will fade and be replaced with warmer ones of happier times with her.
Are you finding it difficult to manage your emotions or responses to challenges in your role? If you are, I can help, and am happy to spend some time with you at no charge. Just email me at tom@hex-development.com.
