Accepting annoying feedback
This morning, I was at the gym attempting to blow off the cobwebs of the weekend when I received a bit of unexpected feedback. A guy – someone I often see in the gym but not a person I know - asked me politely to remove the plates from the squat bar and replace them on them back on the rack after using them. I consider myself a considerate gym user and always put dumbbells back, but usually leave bars with the plates on (I find it often more convenient to find bars already racked). I never thought it might cause anyone else any problems.
This guy, although polite, was clearly upset. My first thought was to tell him where to stick the weights, but I would never go in for conflict like that. What I actually did, was replied ‘of course’ and dutifully put the plates back. I then nodded and smiled at him and he thanked me. Of course, under that smile I was seething, and it’s only now (six hours later), that my anger has subsided.
In my coaching, I often talk to clients about their responses to bits of feedback that are either developmental, or even critical. In these conversations, I find an enormous amount of upset and anger to often trivial comments, so what’s going on?
I know that for many reasons, I carry a strong sense of shame. This developed not only from my experience as a young person and coming to terms with my sexuality, but also from being brought up to demand high standards from myself and my moral code. Being asked to put the plates back challenged my need to be seen as a good and considerate person, so naturally I spent several hours justifying to myself that I wasn’t in the wrong for not putting the plates back and criticising the guy for having the cheek to ask me to do so.
The facts of the situation are that he perceived me not putting the plates back as inconsiderate to him and other gym users. Whether or not I agree with this is irrelevant, it’s what he thinks. And no doubt others will think that too. It made me think back to a situation about 18 months ago when I was referring to a friend of a friend by the wrong pronoun. When I was corrected, I felt shame, and immediately wanted to protest that I couldn’t have known the right pronoun as their name was one usually associated with she / her. The facts of that situation were that I had used the wrong pronoun and was being politely corrected so that I didn’t cause any further offence or embarrassment.
In both these circumstances, the feedback I was given simply acts as data to influence my future actions. I have two options: change my behaviour, or alternatively, ignore the feedback and carry on as I was. Although it might pain us to do so, accepting the feedback, recognising that we have an impact on others whether we mean to or not, and changing our behaviour is usually the best way forward. We can’t control the response of others to our actions, but we can make change when we know our actions frustrate, anger, or hurt others.
Although critical feedback triggers us, it’s useful data. We should at the least consider it carefully in the most pragmatic and unemotional way we can and move on quickly.
